HEDY WAS A TOUR GUIDE'S WORST NIGHTMARE

Most bus trippers are happy tourists.  Most have a sense of humour.  Most are adept in thwarting the little pebbles along their journey. 



Tourists have a sense of humour

 Hedy was that exception.  It usually takes me a day or so to familiarize myself with my bus group.  Yet, somehow Hedy managed to indelibly attach herself to my long term memory within mere minutes of the bus' arrival.  I met my group at the Crowne Plaza Hotel where we were to enjoy an elegant dinner in the hotel's historic Rainbow Room.  Located at the top of the hotel, this restaurant provided a view of the Falls while dining.  The sun had set so that group had the experience of seeing the Falls lit up at night.  Superb!!

Not for Hedy.  As we crowded into the elevator, her nose sent a message to her brain which in turn sent the message to her mouth.  She broke the awkward silence of ascent by curtly inquiring "Who's wearing the cheap perfume?  It's giving me a sore throat!"  We all wondered if she was referring to us.  As the guide, I took action and reassured her that we would be at the restaurant in precisely 10 seconds.  I also vowed to shelf the "OUR VERSION of CK1" and break out the Avon roll-ons.

Her next observation was swift in coming.  "This restaurant is too dark.  How is anyone supposed to eat when they can't even see their food.  I'VE NEVER SEEN THE LIKES..........", she trailed off.  Hedy was an exceptionally short woman.  At 4'11", I towered over her.  Her jet white hair was 'toni'd' and 'dippity dooed' and she had a penchant for embroidered box cut blazers that almost reached her knees.  However, her most notable feature that evening had to be the huge face framing sun glasses she was wearing.  You know the kind.....the ones that you are given after eye surgery to block out all the light.  For fear of sounding patronizing, I resisted the urge to point out the obvious and assured her that it would be easier to see food the next morning, when the sun was up.


The next morning everyone was well rested and ready for the long drive to Toronto.  Everyone except Hedy, that is.  Of all the luck, she happened to be the only one  with the pea in her mattress.  Again she let everyone know that she had 'NEVER SEEN THE LIKES..................."  The bus driver had to multi-task during the whole drive, fidgeting frantically with the temperature controls as Hedy's internal thermostat had to be accommodated.  It became apparent that Hedy had 'NEVER SEEN THE LIKES' of just about everything on the tour. 



Tourists are generally happy people

 After three days of having to justify everything from the annoying shape of the clouds to the height of the toilets, I was torn between an obsession to see Hedy enjoy herself (at least for a moment) and a desire to scold her and give her a 'time out'.  I was cautiously encouraged about our final day.  It was our day touring Niagara Falls and the magnificence of the Falls would surely impact her in a positive way.  I prayed that the mist over the falls would be blowing towards the U.S. side of the border.  I prayed that there wouldn't be a big lineup for the Maid of the Mist. 

We arrived at the bus drop off spot, just one short block of parkland from the Maid of the Mist.  As I prepared to get the group off the bus and walk them down to the boatride, Hedy (which is short for Hedwig meaning 'refuge in battle') piped up in her familiar indignant tone.

"I can't believe that they expect us to walk down the sidewalk all that way to get to the Maid of The Mist!  I'VE NEVER SEEN THE LIKES", she asserted.  Her 'real-time' streaming critique was also apparently wearing thin with the rest of the bus as well and all of a sudden they just started to verbally lambaste her for her behaviour throughout the week.  When I heard someone from the back of the bus tell her to 'shut up already' I knew that I had to step in before things escalated.  Hedy had a cane!

I grabbed the microphone and in the most soothing voice I could muster, I attempted to restore a semblance of order.

"Ladies and Gentlemen", I began.  Then I paused until I had their attention.  I continued, "This time I must agree with Hedy.  I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR YEARS TO GET THE DARNED PARKS COMMISSION TO MOVE THE FALLS CLOSER TO THE BUS PARKING AND THEY WON'T EVEN GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY!"

Everyone had a good laugh and thus started a great day.  Hedy didn't laugh, however.  Later on in the tour she cornered me alone to thank me for standing up for her.  She began to share details about her life with me, her struggles, how she missed her late husband.  It's kind of hard to explain but I felt strangely fulfilled that I had cracked her shell enough to see a glimpse of 'Hedy the Human'.  To keep the conversation going I asked her if she was planning any more travel adventures in the near future.

Tourists love to skip rope

She excitedly informed me that she had never been to Africa and was departing next week for a two week Kenyan Safari!  My eyes widened as the 'visuals' began to flood into my imagination. 

Those poor mosquitoes!  I'm sure they have NEVER SEEN THE LIKES!!!!