NIAGARA TOURIST: GETTING 'GOOSED' AT THE CASA LOMA

Jumping over the rope to check out the quality of Henry Pellatt's mattress does not make me a 'flusy'

The Casa Loma in Toronto has become one of my favourite haunts in recent years. 99% of the time, my bus groups choose this for their included Toronto attraction as opposed to the CN Tour. In my opinion, they choose wisely. The CN Tower is fleetingly cool but the Casa Loma captures one's imagination and just doesn't let it go. It also serves as a great 'free time' portal for me while on tour. At one time I used this portal to escape to the solitude of the gardens for the purpose of personal meditation but now that I have a blackberry, I just hide there to check my Facebook NewsFeed.

Once in a random blue moon, someone materializes to shake up 'the routine'. On this particular day, Tom Board was that 'someone'. He spotted me upon arrival and waited for me to acclimate my group before launching his approach. It was apparent that Tom was well into his eighties and yet that didn't seem to deter his confidence any. As a matter of fact, he had me with his very first line.....

"My late wife and I spent hours.....days...years....... at the Castle together. Boy, I really miss her! You remind me of her actually. I am the curator here. Would you like me to take you around? I can show you things that you won't here on the self-guiding audio tour."

Admittedly, this old guy who could be everybody's great grandpa, had me like putty in his hands as soon as he opened his mouth and said 'late wife'. The inside track allure was secondary.

Turned out that Tom Board knew his stuff. He showed me a really cool trick in the library. Here's what you do.....

Enter the library and position yourself at least 6ft. from the front wall, in a straight line towards the back wall.
Look down and check out the fancy pattern in the hard word flooring.
Now, make an abrupt 180 degree turn and face the front wall.
Look down at the flooring again.
What do you notice? WAY TOO COOL, eh????

I'm not going to elaborate any further because why should you buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?

Tom showed me a Nancy Drew shelf that opened and turned around to reveal a hidden shelf when pushed. Then in true 'Geraldo Rivera' fashion, he turned his head from side to side, cocked his hand over the right side of his mouth to block out any speech reverberation and shared top secret information with me in raspy, hushed tones.

"Sir Henry was having an affair, you know"

At this point my ears were all his. "No stinkin' way", I responded.

He went on to tell me that he knew it for a fact. Just moments before he had shared with me the story about how he and his friends had taken out a few of the Casa Loma's windows with rocks back in the late 30's. I found myself charmed by his tale of vandalism. His age and demeanour combined to leave me unguarded. Vulnerable and inquisitive, I was putty in his hands. He mumbled something about a secret staircase and an 'off limits' room. I just followed compliantly.

I followed right up until we hit the staircase and he debonairly offered to let 'the lady go first'. That was when the whole Cinderella thing started to unravel. It was about five stairs up when I felt the HARDEST PINCH ON MY BEHIND, if not the only pinch on my behind.....that I had ever felt. IT REALLY HURT!!!!

Grappling with my options and all the scenarios these options could produce, I finally broke the silence with my passive aggresive response. "I can't believe you just did that, Mr. Board."

Tom had his reply handily ready, like he was a multiple offender or something.

"Let me tell you something", he began. His continued response merits its' own paragraph.

When I was young and in my prime..I used to do it all the time....but now that I am old and grey, I only do it once a day.

Yeah, sure buddy. I quickly wrapped up my private tour and headed back to the bus. Upon exit, I couldn't resist asking my favourite Casa Loma employee to give me the 'low down'.

I too put my hand to the right side of my mouth vertically while I inquired, "pstt psstt-Hey, Dave. WHAT'S UP WITH THE CURATOR?"

Dave responded to my question with another question.

"What curator?"

Somedays you are the pigeon and somedays your are the statue.

For more information on the Casa Loma in Toronto, please visit my article 'Visit The Casa Loma'.