Niagara Wine Tasting For Dummies

Don't let the title 'leave a bad taste in your mouth'.  I am in no way implying that Niagara Wine Tasting is for dummies.  Rather,  that dummies  to the world of Wine Tasting (ie: me)  can intermingle with wine tasting snobs quite adequately with a few pointers.

Now this is how it's done!

As a tour guide I have been privy to a regular diet of wine tastings.  Truth told,  I still really don't get it.  So for risk of being labelled a witless wino or an imbibing imbecile, I have mastered the technique of wine snobbery.  Maybe 'mastery' is a bit of an embellishment but I'm still working on it.  Bluffing one's way through wine is an ongoing learning experience. 

Here is a short list of what I have learned from my Niagara wine tours:

1. When they say 'humour your wine' they are not suggesting that you make 'Jim Carrey' faces into your glass.
2. A bunch of guys didn't sit around a boardroom in France brainstorming snooty names for various wines.  Au contraire!  All the wines are named for the grapes they are made with.  I know, I know....I was beyond stunned too when I finally figured this out!
3. Whoever came up with those snooty names for the grapes is a marketing genius.  I bet the 'apple naming' think tank is kicking themselves now.  What would you rather pay more for?  A litre of Sauvignon Blanc wine or a litre of 'Granny' Apple Cider. 
4. There are more 'wine snobs' than 'apple snobs'.
5. When they ask you what 'notes' you detect,  they don't mean 'Do-A deer, a female deer.  Re-a drop of golden sun.  Mi-a name I call myself.................They want to know what flavours hit your palette.  I used to beat myself up trying to figure out the right answer.  I felt taste impaired and inferior because even the power of suggestion didn't have me tasting tart ripe fruit with an underlying note of earthy minerality.  To me, it tasted like wine.  My whole wine world was rocked when I finally learned that there was no right answer.  The only ingredient in the wine is grapes.  The rest is just a 'taste game' that you need to master to pull off the 'snob' facade when wine tasting.



Wine is like love and rainbows!
This couple celebrates their 60th anniversary

6. One of my secret ambitions is to get one of my generously witty tour bus groups and have them begin to sing Do-A Deer, when asked what notes they detect.  Then when they get serious about it, I'd love to hear them go deeper into the question and give lengthy answers like this; "The predominant note is that of Coppertone sun tan lotion, complementing the second but still not subtle note of pungent and musky epidermis.  It reminds me of an exotic hiatus I once took to Sherkston Beach, the mosquitoes frolicking at my toes and the Lake Erie air wafting oh so gently"
7. When you are humouring the wine (ie. swirling it around in the glass), don't get too carried away.  Red wine is hard to remove and it just looks plain neurotic when you continue to swirl until you reach cyclone speeds.
8. If you go about slurping your beer or your coffee in public, you are a disgusting pig!  Done and DONE!!!  Slurping your first sip of wine is a beautiful experience.  It goes far to show your wine tasting snobbery!  To elevate the elegance even further, may I suggest you gargle your first sip, bring it back in the forefront of your mouth, then slurp half of it down your throat and hork out the remainder into the nearest receptacle------because that vase of gerbera daisies must just be put there for you!
9. It takes more than a pound of fruit flies to kill you!



At the end of the day it's all about camaraderie and fun

10. If you want to do a wine tasting tour and need a lively step-on guide that knows when to leave it up to the professionals at our great Niagara Wineries, please contact divercities@gmail or phone 289-241-0424.  Small group and private tours can also be arranged.  Please visit here for more information on unique tour services offered.