I'M A "STINKER BRINKER"...WHAT ABOUT YOU?

It's amazing how one can fool themselves into thinking that it's not winter yet just because there is no snow on the ground.  Conversely, it's just as easy to trick yourself into thinking that winter is here when actually it is still autumn.  Today I was guilty of the latter. 

Yesssiree!  From the moment that I found myself nagging my teenage son to shovel the driveway to the moment where he tried to bribe me into getting him fast food if he did it, I knew that Old Man Winter was upon us.  While waiting at the Arby's Take Out window for what seemed like forever, I began to reflect on what winter means around here and what I have to look forward to.  Then it dawned on me that the Rink At The Brink should be ready.  Last year I bought a season's pass with visions of actually learning how to skate once and for all.  Five or six years ago, I bravely put on skates for the first time since childhood.  I felt empowered and adventurous.  Those pretty white skates really made my feet look petite and elegant.  They looked surprisingly good.  Without the blade, a skate is no different than a awkwardly tight foot and ankle girdle. 


 Three years ago I finally decided to take those puppies out onto the ice and give them a whirl.  I haven't seen any improvement since then.  I am the buffoon who skates worse than a 'first time' toddler after three minutes of instruction.  You know me, you know who I am.  I'm the one that looks like a deer in the headlights even though everyone else is going the same way.  After falling flat on my head a few times while attempting a nervous little spin, I realized that the only thing that I was going to see spin was the ceiling.



It's all in the pose!



A little self deprecating humour is good for a chuckle now and again.  However, I found that my 'Rink At The Brink' sessions became much more fun when I gave up on the whole skating thing, took a bench and started observing all the different types of skaters you encounter at a public skate.  Here are a few of my favourite types of  'Rink At The Brinkers' (I call them BRINKERS for short).

-- This is the guy that can't get attention for going fully clothed in a nudist colony.  He can't even manoeuvre a shopping cart through the produce section.  Yet, on the ice he is seemingly able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  You can generally spot one of these Brinkers before they even hit the ice.  They're the dudes that have their own skates on in record breaking time and then proceed to do up the skates of all the people who are having a hard time.  Despite their choreographed performance, they never fail to be able to find another arm to save three people who are in the midst of a spill all at the same time.  Despite their undeniable skill and persistent elation over it, these types don't fool me.  I want to wipe those silly 'Pat Boone' smirks right off their faces!!
The 'THIS IS THE ONLY THING I KNOW HOW TO DO' Brinker

The LONELY Brinker- This fellow is initially hard to identify.  First he nonchalantly stakes his prey.  Then he circles a few times and then he comes up from behind for the kill.  He might say something like "Haven't seen you here before.  How 'ya liking it so far?"  He will wait for you to say "fine" and then will say something really stupid like "Well, we'll be seeing you" before he whizzes off.  Approximately 30 seconds later, on his next pass he stops again and skates at your speed for a while as he tries to give you some skating pointers. By his fourth resolution, you know he is divorced, put out his shoulder 9 years ago, once won the Superbowl pool at Hooters and got his picture taken, that his wife found it on facebook and that the kids down the road built a snowman that actually has your spaniel's poop in it. He has targeted you because you're new and he knows you can't skate away.  The best way to get rid of this Brinker is to leave the ice.  It works best if you excuse yourself to make a phone call.  Hold the phone up to your ear and have a pretend conversation for about 20 seconds.  By this time, The Lonely Brinker is soooo lonely that he has moved on.

The TERRORIST Brinker- You know these brinkers are on a serious mission the minute they charge out onto the ice. They're just something intense and unsettling about them.  They usually take on a 'speed skating' stance.  Once they work up enough speed to do some serious harm, they seem to enjoy whizzing by so close and ferociously that they can create sparks.  They want you to know that you are the only thing standing between them and a Stanley Cup and that next time they go past you, you just may not be so lucky.  Don't let these kind of Brinkers scare you.  Their 'spark' is worse than their bite.

The 'TROPHY' Brinker- Easily spotted at every rink, the TROPHY Brinker is usually a really little kid with suspiciously honed skating skills.  This pip squeak is so good that he/she can perform a double axle with a baby bottle in his/her mouth.  His parents keep themselves busy by making sure that everyone there knows that this prodigy is their child. They generally lean over the rink and wave wildly while yelling 'HI SWEETIE'  every time he goes around. If you want to bring the gloating parents down a notch or two you need to pretend that you haven't even noticed their little Olympic hopeful.

The WANNABE' Brinker-This Brinker is the one without the skates.  He doesn't skate but he likes to be in the company of those that do. 

The KARAOKE Brinker-This Brinker can't skate right unless he sings along to the songs.  He eventually finds his mojo and becomes one with the tunes and the ice.  If you want to 'screw with his head' just say something to him.  It jars him back into reality and he has to start all over again.

The SINDERELLA Brinkers- This is the pair of skaters that are so enamoured with one another that they forget their are other people on the ice.  Oblivious to disturbed onlookers, they continue to use the whole rink while they perfect their 'Porno On Ice' routine.  When you've had enough simply tell them to 'Go Get A Room'.  Shockingly, these skate mates usually comply.

The HEN Brinkers- This is usually a small clique of teenage girls who skate together in a huddle with their mittens over their mouths so they can gossip about everyone else at the rink.  Sometimes they break rank to do a bit of texting or take pictures of themselves or each other or of themselves taking pictures of each other.  If you join the Rink At The Brink Fan Page on Facebook, you will probably know what they were talking about by the next morning.

The STINKER Brinker- I fall into this category.  I stink at skating and probably always will!

See you at the Rink At The Brink!